Chapter 59: Expanding the Mind

Calm. Content.

Two emotions Felitïa had never sensed in such large amounts from a group of people who were feeling literally nothing else. The emotions reverberated around the cave in the same way the chanting did, the smooth stone walls echoing and amplifying them.

Chanting or singing? Chanting was a kind of singing, wasn’t it? The monks were chanting, but they were harmonising too, and the result was…beyond beautiful. The sound spread through the cave, every note, every word, every voice perfectly discernible.

And the emotions too. The calmness of one monk was different from the calmness of another. This had always been technically true, but here, there was no difficulty distinguishing them. There was no fear of accidentally mistaking someone else’s emotions for her own.

Though those emotions could definitely influence hers, which they were doing now.

She was calm. She was content.

There was a whole system of caves in the mountain behind the monastery. The monks made regular use of thirty-two of them, but there were countless more that went deeper into the mountain. However, this was the main one. It was only the second largest, but it had the astounding acoustics, and a calming effect even before amplifying others’ calmness. It was great for meditation.

Admittedly, it was a little cold, but that didn’t bother her much.

There were eight monks in the chamber with her now, all chanting and meditating, their calmness circulating and intertwining around her. Their thoughts too. It would be so easy to let those thoughts in, grab hold of them, and fall into the monks’ heads. Easier than it had ever been, for the acoustics didn’t just amplify the sounds and emotions; they also amplified her abilities.

Her thoughts were crystal clear. The Room in her head was somehow bigger, yet also more navigable. She could be in one spot and then another without traversing the space in between. Was there ever really any space in the Room? It was all imaginary after all.

But despite the amplification of her powers, there was less temptation to fall into the other minds around her. It was the calmness. That calm kept her mind at peace, and that peace kept her content.

What was it Bhasi had said?

Your mind lashes out because it is not content. It desires more. A content mind has all it needs. It has no need to lash out.

But how can I be content all the time? she had asked.

If you are not content all the time, how can you ever be content?

Contentment doesn’t always last.

Bhasi had chuckled. Then you are doing it wrong.

It was weird referring to the abbot of this place, a person decades older than her, by a pet name, but he insisted on it.

We’re all friends here, he’d said.

She hadn’t really been sure what to expect of the monks here, but Bhasi definitely wasn’t what she’d expected. Of course, how could she have ever expected a telepath?

Gods, the first human telepath she’d ever met, and he was apparently a powerful one, too. He could actually help her learn, and he’d agreed to.

After the awkward arrival where the monks had prostrated themselves to her, one of them had shown her directly to the abbot. It had meant climbing several more flights of stairs, but nothing quite so strenuous as the climb up the mountainside. Zandrue and Miana had only been allowed to follow her part of the way. The abbot had invited only her to his presence.

She didn’t get to see much of the interior of the temple, but what she did see was relatively sedate. There wasn’t the elaborate carvings, statuary, paintings and stained-glass windows of a Universal Religion church. Perhaps that was because she wasn’t in any of the main worship areas, or perhaps the monks here didn’t worship in the same way. Maybe a bit of both.

Bhasi talked to her mentally as the monk led her to him. I apologise if we have made you uncomfortable, but this is a momentous event. There are some matters of protocol that must be observed.

You said I was home. What did you mean by that?

I meant exactly what I said. This is your home. Not necessarily the one you live your day-to-day life in, but this place is one of many that have been prepared for you. This is your home, if you wish to accept it.

Kunchen said you said I was late.

Bhasi chuckled. His mental voice was light, and his laugh high-pitched and even lighter. Yes, twenty-seven years and eleven days. A little joke. You see, the Will-Breaker was expected to be born here. In this region, I mean, not this monastery specifically. You were not, so it has taken you your entire life to get here. Thus, twenty-seven years and eleven days late. Get it? He laughed some more.

Yes, I guess.

I am sorry if my joviality disturbs you. You have had a tiring journey, and are probably not in the mood for humour.

Sorry, I…I’m a bit confused. That’s all.

I will explain in more detail in time. We have much to talk about.

When they reached their destination, the monk leading her opened the doors, and bowed his head to her. Once she’d passed through, he closed the doors again, not entering with her.

The room was not particularly large, though it had a fair amount of space. It was dimly lit with a few candelabra along the walls. There we no windows. A few prayer flags hung from the ceiling, and a stone bust stood in each of the two far corners.

In the centre of the room was a pile of cushions, on which sat the abbot. Khenpo Sangye Bhasundar was a tiny man. It was hard to judge his height seated, but he couldn’t have been much more than four feet. He was elderly, though the dim light made it difficult to tell by how much. His head was bald like all the other monks, though in his case, it did not appear to be because of shaving.

His smile as she entered seemed to take up almost his entire face. He spoke aloud in Singean, his voice soft and high-pitched like his mental voice. He motioned to the cushions and returned to mental communication. Please, sit with me.

Felitïa took a few tentative steps forward.

He picked up one of the cushions, and squeezed and patted it. I admit it’s been a very long time since I’ve had a pillow fight, and having one would probably be fun, but don’t worry. I won’t start one with you. He put the pillow down and laughed aloud, his voice reverberating about the room. The acoustics in this room were almost as good as in the meditation cave.

After the echo of his laughter subsided, he patted the cushions again. Please, sit with me.

Felitïa nodded.

As she sat, he made a sudden lunge for one of the pillows, raising it above his head, then laughing and dropping it.

Felitïa rolled her eyes, but laughed a little.

There. You can laugh.

Felitïa shook her head with a sigh. Yes, I can. She paused a moment. What was appropriate to say to him?

You must have many questions.

She smiled. That made things easier. Yes, I do. A lot.

He smiled that face-covering smile again. I have no doubt, and I am prepared to answer as many of them as I can. However, it will take awhile. Many days, probably. We will start with some basics, and then let you rest.

And he had answered a bunch so far.

And most of them had just created more questions.

He wasn’t lying when he said it could take many days. She was worried it was going to take even longer than that.

Another person had entered the meditation chamber, and was making their way over to Felitïa. Their presence in the Room was vaguely familiar.

Felitïa opened her eyes.

It was the female monk she had seen when she’d arrived last night. She pressed her palms together and bowed her head. “Will-Breaker, they are ready for you.” She spoke with a perfect Quorgian accent.

Felitïa stood up. “Of course.”

The monk motioned towards the cave exit. “This way, please.”

“Thank you.” Felitïa followed the monk out of the cave. There were several smaller caves to go through before reaching the monastery building.

The stone floor was cold on her bare feet. She hadn’t bothered to collect her boots as she would have to take them off again when they reached the main hall. However, she soon started to regret the decision.

To take her mind off her freezing feet, Felitïa decided to strike up a conversation with the monk along the way. Other than Kunchen, she hadn’t met another monk who spoke Arnorgue, so she might as well take advantage of it. “I’m sorry. I don’t know your name.”

The monk bowed her head. “Cepla, Will-Breaker.”

“You speak excellent Arnorgue.”

Cepla gave her a sheepish look and shook her head. “In truth, I don’t speak a word. Bhasi is providing me with the words. He says you must learn Singean. This is very straining for him.”

You could talk to me telepathically.

Bhasi’s mental laughter filled the Room. I could, but I want to give you a chance to get to know the other monks. I can only do it for a short while longer, so take advantage of it while you can.

“I’ll learn Singean as soon as I can. I promise.” She’d already come to the conclusion she needed to do that as soon as she’d arrived in Singea, but having to isolate herself so much had made that impossible. Hopefully, here, she would be able to finally start learning. “Are there any other women amongst the monks?”

Cepla shook her head. “No, Will-Breaker. I am the only one at this monastery. Traditionally, only men become monks. There has never actually been anything forbidding women, but my people tend to be very devoted to tradition, so very few women ever become monks.”

“But you decided to break from that tradition?”

“I have always been one to strike my own course, Will-Breaker.”

“Please, call me Felitïa.”

Cepla lowered her head. “That would be improper. You are due reverence.”

“So is the abbot, yet you call him Bhasi.”

Cepla tried to hide a grin. “Only to his face.”

Bhasi broke into laughter in Felitïa’s head again, and Cepla grimaced. “And when we talk to him in here.” She tapped the side of her head. “Amongst ourselves, we call him by his title, Khenpo.”

“Then do that with me,” Felitïa said. “Call me Will-Breaker amongst yourselves, and call me Felitïa to my face.”

Bhasi laughed again.

Amusement flowed from Cepla and she smiled. “As you wish, Felitïa.”

They exited the caves and went through a short hall in the monastery before going outside and starting down the stairs to the lowest level. Along the way, Felitïa took occasional looks back. The eight monks who had been with her in the meditation chamber were following at a discreet distance, and were gradually joined by more monks.

When they reached the main entrance, Felitïa paused some distance back.

Cepla stopped and looked back. “Is everything all right, Will…I mean Felitïa?”

Felitïa took a deep breath. “Just a little nervous.”

Cepla walked back to her. “I’m sure there’s nothing to be nervous about.” She held out her hand.

Felitïa took the hand and let Cepla lead her to the doorway. “Do you know much about the ceremony? Bhasi didn’t tell me much.”

Cepla let go of Felitïa’s hand to open the doors. “No. It has never been performed before. Only Khenpo...I mean Bhasi, Kunchen, and Gelek have studied the details. All I know is you will be confirmed Will-Breaker at the end.”

Felitïa sighed. “Right.” I don’t suppose you can tell me now, since you’re with us right now?

It is more fun if you don’t know. Bhasi chuckled. However, it is also imperative to the ritual that you know nothing of it beforehand.

Of course. She should have guessed.

Why do you need to confirm that I’m the Will-Breaker? she had asked him last night when he’d first told her this was going to happen. You seemed already convinced I’m her.

I am convinced, he’d said. However, protocol must be followed, just in case there are any doubters. He’d smiled knowingly at her at that moment.

Felitïa tried to remember her breathing exercises to calm her frenzied heart as they entered the main hall. She knew he’d included her in the doubters, and it was not entirely inaccurate. She’d accepted she was the Will-Breaker for quite some time now. There was just no way to deny it. However, there was a part of her that still hoped it was all some giant mistake. The Will-Breaker was someone else, and people had mistaken her for her. It was possible, right?

Not really.

They travelled down a short hall to another pair of doors. Two more monks stood outside the doors. They both wore the standard burgundy robes all the monks wore, but they also wore yellow conical hats. As Felitïa and Cepla reached the doors, Cepla pulled out a conical hat from within the folds of her robe and placed it on her head.

One of the monks at the door carried another robe folded over his arms. A yellow conical hat lay on top of it.

“Once you are confirmed, these will be yours,” Cepla said. “The fit may not be perfect, but that can be adjusted at another time. Are you ready?”

As ready as she was ever likely to be. “Ready.” She hated people fawning over her. It was bad enough as a princess, and now it was as the Will-Breaker. Still, it was probably better than everyone else trying to kill the Will-Breaker.

The monks opened the doors, and she followed Cepla through.

The room beyond was large and colourful, with red pillars and a yellow ceiling decorated with flower motifs. Lines of plush red cushions made rows along the floor, and several monks were already here, kneeling on them. As Felitïa entered and walked down the aisle of bare floor across the centre of the room, the monks lay down prostrate, pointing towards the shrine at the far end of the room.

There was a large gold statue of a woman in robes and a conical hat in the shrine. Standing in front of the shrine was Bhasi and two other monks Felitïa hadn’t met yet. Bhasi was leaning on a cane.

Cepla led Felitïa in front of Bhasi and the other two monks. “I will not be able to translate for you any further. It is becoming too much of a strain for Khenpo.”

“I understand,” Felitïa said. “Thank you to both of you.”

Cepla bowed her head and backed away.

The monks that had been following them here were now entering the room and taking up prostrate positions on the cushions. Behind them, Miana and Zandrue entered.

Bhasi cleared his throat softly, and Felitïa looked back to him. Eyes to me.

Sorry, Felitïa said.

After everyone was present in the room, Bhasi raised his free hand and held it in front of his chest as if he was pressing his palms together, though without the second palm. The other monks in the room began to hum in harmony while Bhasi began to speak.

How do you know I’m the Will-Breaker? Felitïa had asked the night before.

Bhasi had smiled that giant smile again. You broadcast it.

I do?

He nodded.

Not intentionally. But let’s say I do. What about before I knew? People—Darkers—recognised me as the Will-Breaker before I’d even heard of the Will-Breaker. How could I broadcast something I didn’t know?

He shook his head. It is not a thought that you broadcast. Rather, your body has certain…shall we say, rhythms and vibrations. Trained telepaths can recognise such rhythms.

But, as far as I know, most of those Darkers weren’t telepaths.

Bhasi chuckled. And certain devices. They are usually in the form of small crystals that glow in your vicinity. However, other forms exist as well. We have a unique, and much more precise device here, which will confirm you tomorrow.

How did you know my age? Am I broadcasting that, or did you reach into my head for it?

Neither. You need not worry that I will look into your head. I will not do that to anyone without permission. Even then, I am wary. I know because, at the moment of your birth, a telepathic gong sounded across the world. Every telepath everywhere heard it.

A gong? Gods, no wonder so many people had been looking for her her entire life.

That is the best analogy I have for it. It was loud and wordless, yet clear in what it was announcing. And very unexpected.

What do you mean? Was it early? Maybe that’s why I was late getting here.

He laughed aloud. No, unexpected as in no one expected an announcement at all. If people had known there would be one, my life would have been very different.

In what way?

He smiled again, then nodded. My family is one of many across Singea and Chay that have been preparing for generations for the Will-Breaker’s coming, all of them hoping to breed the Will-Breaker. My family has many powerful telepaths, and when I was born, it was clear I would be the most powerful yet. My parents were convinced they had successfully bred the Will-Breaker. Throughout my childhood, I was told repeatedly that I was the Will-Breaker, and I was trained with the expectation that I was.

How did you learn you weren’t?

I felt it. I suspected by the time I was six or seven that something wasn’t right, but I trusted my parents, and tried to believe. By the time I was ten, I knew I was not the Will-Breaker. That I could not be her. It took me two years to gain the courage to tell my parents though. They did not take it well.

What did they do?

They threw me out.

Felitïa gasped. But why? It wasn’t your fault. And you were only twelve?

You are right. It was not my fault, and yes, I was only twelve, but they threw me out anyway.

I’m so sorry to hear that.

He shook his head. There is no need. It is part of what led me here, where I have never been happier.

I’m glad it worked out for you. I am curious about one thing, though.

Yes? He looked at her with a knowing smile, like he knew what she was about to ask. Throughout their whole conversation, the only emotion that had emanated from him had been contentment, and that didn’t change now.

Everything I’ve learned about the Will-Breaker has always referred to her as a woman.

That is true. The Will-Breaker has always been prophesied to be a woman.

Then how could your parents think you were the Will-Breaker? You’re a man.

Bhasi chuckled. I am, yes, but they didn’t know that. When I was born, they thought I was a girl, and they raised me as a girl for those first twelve years of my life.

Oh. She wasn’t sure she understood.

Bhasi laughed. He laughed a lot during their discussion that night.

Right now, though, he was speaking quite reverentially. Felitïa picked up an occasional mention of Will-Breaker as well as some other very basic vocabulary words that Miana had provided her with, but everything else was unintelligible. She stood the whole time either looking down at Bhasi, or looking over him at the statue in the shrine. Who did the statue depict? Hopefully not her. No, certainly not. It was probably either Power or Nature, although that did leave the question of where were the depictions of the other gods?

She really should have questioned Miana more about Delam on the journey here. There had been more than enough time, though they’d spent so much of that time… Wait! She had so much of Miana’s knowledge in her head now. It was mostly memory-based now. Actual understanding, like language, didn’t seem to stick in the same way. From what she could pull up of Miana’s understanding was, the statue was the source of conflict between Singea and Chay. In Chay, the statue was a man. The person represented had a name, but Felitïa couldn’t bring it up. Miana had never been a devout follower, and knew very little of the specifics of Delam.

After several minutes, Bhasi motioned for Felitïa to turn around.

The monks were no longer prostrate, but instead sat cross-legged with their feet on their thighs or knees. At the doors, a tall monk stood holding a small cushion on which sat something round and yellow-brown, which occasionally glinted in the sunlight coming through the windows. The monk walked forward. As he got closer, it became clear that the object on the cushion was a curled necklace of tiger eye prayer beads.

When he reached Felitïa, the monk bowed his head and held up the cushion.

Take the beads and hold them in your left hand, Bhasi said. Repeat the following mantra exactly as I say it. I will go slow so you can get the pronunciation correct. Each time you say the mantra, advance one bead.

Felitïa did as she was told. The words were not difficult as Bhasi was true to his word and his intonation was precise. The mantra was also short, and after the third time through, she no longer needed to copy Bhasi, and he stopped after the fourth time.

One by one, she moved each bead, as she had done so many times before with her own prayer beads. When she moved the ninetieth bead, the Room in her head unfolded. When she moved the ninety-first, the Room expanded slightly, then a little more with the ninety-second, and more and more with each successive bead. By the one hundred fourth, the Room was larger than it had ever been—and given it had always been essentially infinite, that was quite an achievement. On the one hundred fifth and one hundred sixth, nothing more happened. However, when she moved the one hundred seventh, the Room flooded with light, and the never-ending voices went silent.

Hello, Felitïa.

The woman she had seen as a child by the well stood there—not looking like presences in the Room usually looked. Instead, it was like she was physically there, with her long dreadlocks and all. Her face was seemingly ageless, almost glowing in the bright light. She wore a sparkling blue gown and carried a staff just like the Staff of Sestin, with bright glowing pearls in each eye socket.

Felitïa had a body now too. She often imagined herself with a body in the Room, but this was somehow different. She felt more solid than she usually did.

Is this a memory? Felitïa asked.

The woman walked up to Felitïa and circled around her. Do you wish it to be?

Felitïa sighed. Do you always have to be so cryptic?

The woman stopped in her circling and turned to face Felitïa. She was taller than Felitïa. Not by much, but she nonetheless seemed to tower over her. I apologise if you have had other interactions with my creator that you have found cryptic. I am an interactive recording and not the actual person you see before you. I have no memories of any interactions you have had with my creator.

Interactive recording? If that answer was meant to make things less cryptic, it didn’t succeed.

I apologise again. I will try to be less cryptic. I am merely a construct. The image you see is designed to look like my creator. It is meant to put you more at ease, but it is possible my creator misjudged there.

And you were created to confirm that I’m the Will-Breaker?

The woman nodded and resumed circling Felitïa. That is one of my functions, and that will be fulfilled shortly. However, I am also here to answer your questions.

This body’s heart skipped a beat, as it probably did in her real body. My questions? You’ll actually answer my questions?

Yes.

Any questions?

Any that I have the answer to. I warn you, however, that this device has limited memory space, so my creator could only provide answers to a limited number of questions.

That figured, but maybe she could finally learn a few things. Who is your creator?

The woman stopped moving and seemed to ponder for a moment. I believe you would know her as Power.

The…the goddess?

In a manner of speaking, yes.

A manner of speaking. The crypticity was clearly not ending. What was that place where I saw you…I mean, where I saw Power before?

I do not know. As I told you, I have no memories of your previous interactions with my creator.

What is my purpose? Why am I the Will-Breaker?

To destroy my creator’s colleague, the one you call Night, the Lord of Darkness.

Fuck.

At least it wasn’t a cryptic answer.

No, cryptic would have been better. She could have found ways to deny it and make it less terrifying.

And how am I supposed to do that?

I do not know.

No, of course you don’t. Not very useful, are you?

If my answers are unsatisfactory, I apologise, but I would once again remind you, I can only provide answers that my creator programmed me with.

Felitïa sighed, but nodded. You’re, right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t get impatient with you. It’s not your fault. Assuming this construct, or whatever it was, was being truthful.

You do not need to apologise to me. I have no feelings and cannot be offended by anything you say. The woman raised her staff. The eyes had begun to glow more brightly. I am ready to confirm your identity. You must return to the ritual now.

But I have so many more questions!

There will be plenty of time for that later.

The bright light dimmed and the Room shrank back to its usual infinite size.

Felitïa moved the one hundred eighth bead, and opened her eyes. The prayer beads in her hand were glowing with a soft golden light. Across the room, the monks were prostrating themselves again.

At the back of the room and to the side, Zandrue was also lowering herself, but she gave a nod of her head, indicating Felitïa should look behind herself.

Felitïa turned.

That statue was glowing with the same golden light as the prayer beads.

Bhasi smiled broadly at her. The monks to either side of him had prostrated themselves, pointing towards Felitïa. Bhasi lowered himself a little, using his cane for support, until he was almost kneeling. I am not physically able to prostrate myself without assistance, but know that I am prostrating in spirit.

That’s fine, Felitïa said. Perfectly fine.

Once again, welcome home, Will-Breaker.

Felitïa stared at the glowing statue. Gods, it was true. The last hopes that it was all a mistake faded away. She was the Will-Breaker, a role she hated and didn’t want.

But it had now gotten so much worse.

She fell to her knees and bent over, lowering her head almost to the floor. The wail that escaped her lips somehow blended perfectly with the humming of the monks.

She had to kill a fucking god.